At the sound of the tone…

Thom Yorke quote of the day.
January 9, 2007
Buy my Mac.
January 12, 2007

At the sound of the tone…

You’ll still be trying to scan your own groceries.

Here I sit drinking something called a Berry Blast Naked All Natural Antioxidant 100% Juice Smoothie. I just finished eating a Fuji apple, a standard yellow banana and some sort of fancy orange.

I’m ingesting all of this fruit to hopefully ward off the effects of my previous three meals:
-Breakfast: McDonald’s Big Breakfast meal with coffee
-Lunch: Subway Foot-Long Meatball sandwich meal with Coke
-Dinner: McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal, again with Coke

Total calories: 3160* (Before consuming the fruit and the Berry Blast.)
Total nutrition: Enormous, I’m sure. (Oh wait, that’ll be me.)

And yet, all of this misses the point of this little story. (By the way, thanks, those of you who gave me McDonald’s gift cards for Christmas. How about a gym membership next year?) The point is that automated checkout counters at grocery stores are a pain! I just wanted to buy some fruit!

“Please scan your next item.” (Said in a voice that’s entirely too happy.)

“Please enter the product number.” (Naturally, I picked

“Please place your item in the bag.” (Thanks, I did that a minute ago.)

“Please place your item in the bag.” (I’m already scanning the next item.)

“Please place your item in the bag.” (I’ve now scanned and bagged three more items.)

“You’re a sad, confused little machine,” I say to the screen.

“Please wait and an associate will help you.” (I’m already walking out the front door with my cap pulled low.)

I wonder if the inventor of the gumball machine knew what a slippery slope he was on…

I’m anticipating the day we’ll have to treat ourselves in a computerized emergency room.

“Please check your pockets for magnetic media while the machine prepares for the self-x-ray.

*Source: and

According to this handy-dandy calculator I only need 2509 calories a day. No big problem you say?

Notice I’ve consumed 651 more calories than I need. Remember that a pound of fat is equal to about 3500 calories. At this rate I’ll gain over a pound a week. Next year expect me to be on my way to 300 pounds.

Caleb Nei is the Worship Arts Director at Emmaus Church in Berryville. He also teaches at least 40 piano lessons each week, is a member of the band Stereoreel, plays piano jazz at a couple of restaurants when Stereoreel isn’t playing, has three children, one wife and loves where God has him. He has a degree in church music from Huntington University and has studied jazz at Shenandoah University. He has no additional hobbies because he’s one of those people who have been able to get a job doing what he’d do for free anyway.

Leave a Reply